The past week had been challenging, so is the trade markets. Oil prices, commodities, even the protest in Hongkong had created an impactful shift across all markets and including myself.
HA. Because currently, I’m in a role where I faced more rejections than anything else so I decide to YOLO once and went for a social experiment on how people reacted to me and whether anyone will cast judgment without knowing me as a person but just by my outlooks especially with my…
- First Tattoo. Yes, I know. “Imprints” get judge more often.
- Followed by, the change of my hair color, not to a monotone but a unicorn tone. As this totally fits into my bill of fickle-mindedness because right after I dyed it at my trusted salon, J2 Hair Salon, I just realised that whichever color I feel like showcasing more, all I need was to change my hair parting in accordance.
Left (2016)/ Right (NOW)
- Attitude. Adopted a heck care attitude because I just want to find out if gracious people tend to be bullied. And I wondered if I ever get beaten up if I keep on tsk-ing people (Check out how to tsk people correctly with strong support from CPF. Just joking.)
To be honest, I’m quite fearful that my parents/ colleagues/ bosses cannot accept the change as I did not inform them in advance/ prior to this.
Random note; the girls love it. They love anything unicorn. HAHA.
So during the weekends, when I bought the girls out, everyone seems to give a disapproving look on the streets and I even overheard a comment,
“See, girl. You must study hard if not next time, you will need to be food delivery rider and bring kids along for work.”
O-M-G. I carried a Grabfood paperbag with my kiddos waterbottles in it doesn’t meant I worked for them leh. I just cannot find a bag to contain their items when I’m rushing out. AND SOMEMORE, I graduated with a degree and alot of self-improvement certificates that helped me excel in my career. -_-
Best part, my mum did not even notice it when I was working around with my stuff when I’m back at my maiden home, for hours. Perhaps, tying up my hair helps.
Actually, the real challenge in me is actually how my bosses, colleagues, business partners whom I will meet, will react to my new looks.
So I reported for work on Monday. Here’re the results:
- My boss did not comment but I feel he’s ok with this. [Boss ah, let me know if you are not ok hor?] Updated as of 16 Sept, my direct supervisor told me the CE disapprove of the colors. LOL so I dyed back on 17 Sept.
- Colleagues were shocked and my Teamies gave me a look of affirmation then disapproval.
- The guys who’ve worked at a different level and whom I’ve always spoken to in the lift saw me during lunch and thought I was “another” person. They couldn’t even recognize me.
- My friends saw my social media postings, gave me thumbs up instead of thumbs down.
Ok lah, to be honest, I’m not sure if they would have discussed this behind my back though but I couldn’t care less. :]
And the real deal came when I am running late for a meeting at Ayer Rajah. I was changing my route to cross over from East-West line to the Circle line at Buona Vista MRT and I heard a man standing in the middle of the pavements asking into the thin air if anyone can direct him to the East-West line (towards Jurong direction). I then realized he seems to have a partial visual impairment. Many of the people of different diversity and dress codes, walked past him without helping him.
Despite telling myself — to adopt a heck care attitude mentioned earlier, it just couldn’t get through me. Yes, I might be late if I lend a helping hand but well, that few minutes might matter more to him than to me. Imagine, he lost his footings and…
So I walked up and approached him and directed him to the right direction. Realising that the lift is a long walk from where he is, I asked him if it’s ok for me to lead him up to the platforms via escalator. He was apologizing that he might delayed my time and etc. I told him I’m free and asked him to hold onto my elbow.
Thank god for my stint in PA that exposed me to various techniques to deal from the physically challenged peeps.
- Walk up, introduce yourself and speak to the person whom you are going to guide him.
- Offer the person your services and ask him/ her on how would they prefer to be guided.
- The person being guided should lightly grasp the guide’s arm, thumb out, just above their elbow. Right elbow of the guide will be grasped by the left hand of the person being guided, and vice versa. The left elbow of the guide will be grasped by the right hand of the person being guided. For children, have them grasp your wrist or hold your hand. When an individual acts as a human guide, they should walk a half step ahead of the person they are guiding.
- Tell them about every steps/ curbs/ stairs as you approach them. Tell them to step “up” or “down”.
- Mention any potential hazards/ narrow corridors that lie ahead and say where they are.
- If you are guiding someone into a seat, place their hand on the back of the seat before they sit down, so they can orientate themselves.
- Don’t walk away without saying you are leaving.
So that minute of help resulted in me knowing that he had his vision partially lost due to genetics. Despite the fact, he’s still making efforts to look for jobs and being mobile to stay positive.
When we parted at the platform, I was asking the few of the people standing on the platforms to look out for him and directed him to the right station (and yes, I got a few disapproving looks from some onlookers due to my tattoo and hair while I help the guy). Thank god for a couple of kind souls and he wished me well in my life.
Conversations like this pulled me up from all the rejections I had to face during my course of work (as they are downright demotivating) and I felt even more determined to help the community via Piggyback.
And thus I instill a habit for myself and the girls while decluttering those that I do not need. I will either post via Blessing for Low Incomes-Sg, Yishun Blessing group and my own BTO closed Facebook group to ask if anyone closeby would need the things that I no longer need.
To my surprise, a lot of my so-called stuff became prized processions of their new owners.
And this boils down to…
“When you judge others. You do not define them. You define yourself. No one had ever walk the same path as you. Experiences made current choices. Future choices are based on your aptitude towards life and attitude on how you approach it.”
Like what my mum always say, “When you are pointing 1 finger at others, you are pointing 4 at yourself.”
Brace on people and do lending a helping hand when possible because you’ll never know when you will need others to lend you theirs.
I always thought such post should always wait till the last week of Year 2018. To be written as a form of reflections or reminders.
3 more days to my wonderful 30th perhaps this post will be a prelude to my reborn – Life after 30s.
I guess Year 2018 is indeed a fulfilling year for me. I had went through a roller coaster of emotions, the ups and the downs, the lost and the found. Perhaps I should just highlight some important keynotes.
- The pregnancy – Earlier this year, I begin to sink into the fact that I am pregnant and had to cope with the thought of the terrible four. The painful part is the progress where I reached a point from denial to acceptance on what the future awaits. The pregnancy was indeed a tough one due to complications but I survived through the network of support.
- The baby – 6 years after the birth of Rayshirl, I need to restart the whole engine and this time round, on my own and by myself. Thank you to the friends who stood by me and the encouragements that tied me through the difficult moments. Say Yay to curb Pre/ Post Natal Depressions.
- O-Bye – Tell me about it. The dramas of the bike-sharing companies from the regulators barking on my back (with a pregnant belly) and my personal details released online by raged citizens to the formalization of liquidators. The whole episode set my mind on business management and also, wowed by the fact that I have the experience to validate a company’s lifecycle within a good 15 months.
- Career Options. Offers came by and I was at lost to pick partly due to priorities listed out as I finally antagonized by the fact time with kids are something I do not wish to compromise. This is the part where I am at lost and doing some soul searching. Eventually, I picked something but was it the one?
- Entrepreneurship – I begin to let go on something I had embraced strongly for the past 2 years and went on an unknown pathway.
- Lifestyle – from cars to none and I finally understand that simplicity is the best key to everything. The way of life is be simple and stay humble.
- Friends – I made friends who turned out to teach me various lessons in life. I met alot of Entrepreneurs that set the tone of my mindset on managing people. I had spoke and learned to let go of toxic people within my circle.
- Sharanne – After 2 years of waiting, the transfer to NPS is finally validate and tears wiping on the last day at HIPS taught me that kids are the best investment that I had put in thus far.
- Family. My sister is finally off the shelves and this year I choose to embrace time spent with family over anything else.
- The Choice. I begin to understand that a lifetime is a long time and decide that the choice need to be made instead of just sitting on it and contemplate whether is this the right thing to do. However…
I learned and prayed that Life after 30s for me meant Peace and No Dramas and slowly, finetuned my career and life choices.
I read about how Dragons fared in Year 2019. Sounds like a good year to me. Shall keep my fingers crossed. 🙂
1 more week to 38 weeks and it’s the legit full term of the pregnancy. Looking back, it seems that this pregnancy had made me realised alot in life, appreciating things that I once didn’t bother:
- Health – Healthy body bags a healthy pregnancy. I got no guts to announce this pregnancy because every single day, I am threading the fine lines between life and death. I had been experiencing STB (short-term bleeding) from Week 7 to Week 35 and need to get certain jabs done every single 2 weeks. Expensive pregnancy I would say but all is well for the priority of #BabySayge.
- Pace of Life (Time) – Yay. I used to be a fast-paced person and a renowned workaholic but this time round, I take things slow. Thanks to o_Bye shitty management, I manage to take a break on the compromise of money.
- Wealth – Because I had spent too much on this pregnancy prior to the arrival of the Queen aka #BabySayge, I realised I had learnt alot in this. Rich not in terms of cash but experience and I hope this will make me a stronger person.
The pain had kind of made me too depressed that everything seems to take a negative toll on me but thank god for BFFs, mummies, friends and closed family support that made me walked out from all these.
In the meantime, I will just pray that Sayge will just hang on, as much as I do/ would.
It seems like pregnancy supposed to be a celebratory thing instead of being constantly depressed over finances, job roles and etc.
March seems like it had always been a bad ass month for me especially since I left PA 2 years back. Last year, I had to walk out from the traumatic experience of a similar #metoo incident that left me a quick mark on my resume. This year, I had to ponder over an unjust change of job role and had to curb with various constant threats of me, losing the job.
I guessed it right. Gender discrimination exists in this era and ecosystem. Pregnancy supposed to be celebrated, well received than in a depression state. I can’t sleep well thus I am typing at this timing at 5.44 am to let out my thoughts and also, to pen down this important and painful lesson for me to remember.
I made wrong choices over the months and sometimes I wished that I could just turn the time back especially in terms of career. But there is one thing for sure, I will never forsake my kids be it in whatever circumstances it is. My 3 daughters are the sacrifices of the harsh and pathetic life I am leading, being a single income, staying within a unsupportive circle of trust and the need to live to work (not work to live).
However having said that, I had indeed thought of through of abortion at the initial start because this pregnancy was never easy to begin with. Ironic isn’t it? All because it was expensive, painful and all the nasty things that a pregnancy that shouldn’t be encountered, was seen and fulfilled on me. I went through 3 different Gynae to have my issues fixed.
Yet, I need to mask this in my early days and do my best in something (because in fearing that I will be terminated for whatever reasons), all for an exchange of a self-perceived discrimination and in a situation that one will squeezed me further till the hope of an instant self surrender.
I admired the courage that a woman had to go through an abortion because the guilt will forever stay. The courage to live on with this guilt is a strength that one can never imagine. Having said that, I am blessed with 3 great Gynae who had never once asked me to give up on this. They could just go for the easy money with just one advice – abortion. They just spoke with positive words. Nothing heals better especially from a doctor’s mouth. On contradictory, I almost became a murderer by scheduling the “A” appointment not once but thrice but for these appointments, the furthest I went was the counter of the clinic and I made 1000000000 and 1 excuses not to proceed with the next step. The Gynae immediately gave me an “ORD” status as he said, I wasn’t operational ready. Thank god, a life had been saved. Despite all the downside of this miracle pregnancy…
Of course, somehow or rather I am glad for various supportive personnels; I am starting the “thank-you” rounds not in any forms of order.
Jojo & BFF – the first few (s) who knew about it and had been there for the encouraging words. Really thank you for keeping the spirits up during the early days.
L&J – Sounds as if I am scolding you guys vulgarities. You know who you are and in case #sliteyes happened to chance across this. Both of you are in fact, in the 1st 5-people list to know about the pregnancy. Thank you for making work fun despite all the nonsensical arguments and constantly reminding me to eat well (and on time), live well, heal well and keeping a look out for me. Thank you for all the
junk food, tonic and laughters. Importantly, the love everyday in office, it just kept me going. And to Brother L, “Hope is indeed a dangerous shit thing.”
Another Half – I only want to thank you for stopping me at various times over harsh decisions but to be frank, the harshest decision had yet to come. But I thank you for being in my life to enable me to see things more vividly especially on the ugliest sight of the human beings. Thank you for gifting me the kids and some impromptu support as and when I needed it.
June from the Buttons Project – The lunch at J8 indeed inspired me alot especially on the part that you gifted me that book written by Jennifer. It was never easy to go through whatever you went through and had to further relate this to me, a complete stranger and in turn, become strength for me to go on further. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness.
Jennifer – Although we had yet to meet but your story had pulled me from the pit hole of darkness. Your mission had inspired me to work harder and in near future inspire and empower more women when I succeed in my calling. May you continue this journey to inspire and lead people out from the darkness similar to what June did. Forgiving is easy but Forgetting is hard. It was never an easy feat but us, women can do it.
Jim – Although we kind of met only once in person thus far but somehow I believed you are different from the rest of the employers/ people I met. But your words of encouragements during the early days had indeed sank further into me that I reminded myself if one day, I were to succeed in terms of the career, I would need to adopt approaches like you as I believed in #payingitforward. Would look forward to a chance to work with/ for you.
Le Sister & Mum – To my sister, thank you for being a listening ear and the comment “Why would you kill your own child when you can’t bear to even put down a dog.” woke me up instantly. Although you still suck at communication but I am glad that you listened. To my mum, thank you for being there for me despite my tantrums.
To the people who left me a PM to ask how I am and constantly reminded me how great I was as a person. All these encouraging words had brought me out from the darkness and it saved me as a person who once had suicidal thoughts. Thank you Jac, David, Zie and etc.
To my Daughters and Furkids – Although I am not sure if you get to read this but thank you for being my happy pills, always. Despite my hectic schedules since Day 1, you guys rock my world and will always be my world. Sorry that I can’t commit to give you a better life. It’s holidays I know but yet I need to work. Mummy loves you all. 🙂
YO-UR (you know who I am referring to) – Indeed a love/ hate relationship with you but thank you for making me a better person and also, letting me to see myself as a better person. Thank you for constantly dropping me reminders and strength from afar and letting me know that I am not alone. I do not know what strength you possess but despite all my nasty words to you, you still believed in me and my dreams. Thank you for all the tender loving care and things that you do, in hoping to make my life better. Perhaps I should dedicate one post in near future if I have the chance, to you. I wonder how you trained your tolerance level at times. Whatever it is, I am grateful towards you and I meant it.
MYSELF – Life is full of up & down. Everyone has their own time in their own race. This defeat doesn’t meant life is up and you should give up. The patients in the palliative wards are fighting to live. You must paid it forward once you succeed so that other women who might be more unfortunate are able to survive this ordeal. Life is a painting, the good or bad, the sorrow or happiness are all determined by the Artist. This is just a passing phase, it will be better and you can do it. Halting plans perhaps meant you need to learn more before executing it. Go and open up your eyes and heart. to measure the beauty of life. When the doors of opportunities closes, go build one. You need to find a calling and your calling is the passion for the community.
Perhaps… Remember this.
“Sometimes God closes doors because its time to move forward. He knows you wont move unless your circumstances force You. Trust God, Always.”
It would not be a goodbye but a goodnight for now. I will wake up to a better tomorrow. I hope.
Having Scentimental Singapore (SS) since Nov 2016 did help to empower a small group of single parents and earn keeps during the means. Being community-centric and focus placed an important role within today society. With that busy and hectic schedules over in my current role and etc, I didn’t place much focus on SS until recently when I struggled to overcome.
And not everyone can deal with a social enterprise who ain’t earning but still render assistance to the vulnerable. It will never be a regret but I learnt the power of love.
As part of yearning support from the group towards my progress of procrastination, healing from whatever I had been through.
I met up with a strong lady, June over lunch earlier today and she recommended me a book by Jennifer Heng, “Walking Out Of Secret Shame”. I finished the book over an afternoon and it was inspiring. It gave me courage, strength and wisdom to make me understand that I am not alone. Thank god for June, it made me realised that raising strong women is indeed important.
Being through all these made me think. I always had many fears:
- Financial Capability
- IF I were to switch my career, can I juggle between this and that. Or rather who will hire?
- The Marriage Woes
To be frank, I am thankful that through these times, I met a lot of kind souls. Perhaps, because the lack of empathy within my current place, my faith for people tends to be compromised.
I almost switched to another role but when I was about to make up my mind to go for it, I was being presented another challenging situation which I did tell my then potential employer. His response had sank within me so hard that I am thankful that I had met this young entrepreneur despite the situation. His encouraging words are something I will never forget and it did tie me through some form of healing.
This is the type of people I admired.
At the crossroads, with everything so bleak. My plans for Year 2018 – was initially planned to work with someone on something community-centric, with strong focus on the networks. I had just finished my Business Plan for the day.
But again, I thought of doing this alone freaks me out in my current situation.
I had a dream last night where I dreamt that I was touring the Divine Realms.
I was bought to 4 stages of it, where the first stage required me recite my Buddhist teaching. The 2nd stage shown me the quantity of Merits & Karma that I had enlightened thus far. The 3rd stage shown me all the phases of my current life from birth to death and the Last…
It shown me – The bad deeds I had done this lifetime and the karma in which I will be getting in my afterlife. This set me into deeper thoughts on what does this dream got to tell me. I need some lights on this. Enlightenment please?
On another note, I am really thankful for the close support and encouraging words from the people who sincerely care. I couldn’t been here without your support.
“It’s a joke” but whatever it is, I will keep growing stronger within me. Sometimes I just felt like going back to a carefree 7 years old free from everything.
I wonder, if my daughters come to me in near future, presenting the same set of problem and how should I respond? Is this something I should be thinking through.
All I know, I had an open mind as per compared to the parents of the good o’days. Family support is important for everything. Everything.
People who died a loner had died within them for the longest. People with depression do not receive understanding and compassion from their family or close friends. It’s also an irony when I counsel people but I got so broken within me.
“Life is like a deck of cards. It doesn’t matter how good your hand is but how you decided to play the game well based on circumstances.”
People who had never been in an abusive relationship will never understand the importance of support. No one had walked the same path as I did and don’t be judgmental.
My only regret that – I could never have another baby in my life over the non-audible losses (with reference back to the previous post). Whatever it is, I need to let go and move on.
Judgment day is near and all I feel is fear.
I guess it’s time, to be awaken and stay alive and safe. And also to work on my beliefs on social enterprise, on empowering women (Google “Scentimental Singapore”). People do not leave abusive relationships for many reasons and I respected that.
For the better or for worst, it’s up to the choice I made. Good luck.
Back to focus. PM me to speak.
Sidenote: To my wonderful friends/ colleagues who had stood by me, you know who you are. Major hugs and love.
And also kind angels for their encouragements and words of wisdom.
Time flies with a blink of eye. I am getting very mundane with the stuff that I am doing. What am I doing and why am I doing. But again, I prayed that life had a good predicament for me in times to come.
On a happier note, today is Mothers’ Day. Yay! I am promoted to an Aunt since the birth of #BabyAurelia ~~~
And also, this made me realised, my kids are now 7, 6 and 5 respectively. Like god. So fast?
And as we embraced today to celebrate the victory of motherhood to our super heroine(s) in life, let us also take this moment and give a pat to those who might be going through today as a difficult moment of theirs – be it, those who had lost their child, or lost their mum, despite it being a different mothers’ day.
“Our thoughts are with you. Be brave, have that maternal spirit within.”
I am eternally grateful to my grandma, mum and MIL for everything and also, my dear girls who taught me the teachings of TRUE love.
Happy Mothers’ Day to all (including Single Dads too, who had to take on a role of a mom.) You people rock and I had a lifetime of lifelong learning.
All thanks to Parenthood.
I think all parents are able to relate:
- Working on the laptop/ phones while holding onto the milk bottle.
- Spoonfeed the younger ones while you are on the phone with your clients/ working partners/ colleagues and etc.
- You are able to complete at least 3 housechores faster than the Usain Bolt WHILE babysitting your kids.
- Trying to feed more than one baby and you felt like a worker in a Production Line.
- You can shit, pee and shower while eye-powering your baby.
and many more…
Sometimes, it reaches a point that I
gave up amazed by my own capabilities and I had already missed out on the girls’ childhood. Like wow.
It took me a while to ponder.
Why. cant. I. take. a. step. back.
If YOU are reading this, do something about it, please.
I just wish to pen this note to you as part of the memories in which you had bought me, the wonders of your life and the wonders of my life, with your presence.
I am sorry that I failed you at times, forgetting to get you your favourite treats, screamed at you for the wee-wee mess you made, not being there when the #ongsisters “forced” you to be part of the tea party in which you had never enjoyed (afterall, how does a dog drinks with paws?) and of course, the i-neglected-you-at-times moments.
But… I never treat you as a dog you know. You are like my best friend for life. My daughter, someone who I am hold dearly to and to be frank, you are that someone who knows my darkest secrets.
Words that had never been said. You heard it.
Thoughts that can never be translated. You heard it, too. Spirtually.
Things that were never meant to be seen. You saw it.
Thank you for being my comfort blanket during bedtime, when I am down, when I teared terribly, when I doubted myself, when I did my presentation rehearsals and many more.
Thank you for being there for me, always and unconditionally.
Thank you for that excited and positive vibes of yours whenever you saw me appearing at the door, no matter how late it is.
Thank you for being the kind sister to the #ongsisters and bring great memories and happiness to my family, friends and many more to come.
Indeed, dogs are man’s best friend. And you are my soul mate. My dear soul mate.
Thus I wish you good health, happiness and may we conquer many milestones together as a family. I will be proud of you, just like you how you will be proud of me.
One thing for sure, I doubt I will be able to handle your absence one day. I simply don’t think I can overcome that because you had been part of me.
I love you, my Matcha, forever my wonderful baby.
Your Beloved Hoomannnn Mummy.
P.S: I actually teared when I type this post.