Circuit Breaker, Healing, Heartbreaks, Life

2020, did not happen.

I wish.

It’s September 2020 and it seems like Year 2020 did not happen.

At least I would like this to be of a “milestone” instead of a “bottom neck”.

“Circuit Breaker” never exists in my dictionary, at least these two words were erased after I caught you during this period and days shy before I started my new role.

I did ask myself should I just forgo everything to rebuild the relationship.

In the end, I told myself that I did nothing wrong, why should I had to take on the blame then?

I had to pretend nothing happen and went on to live like a norm. At least, I wonder, is this the “new normal” to me?

It was 29 May 2020, I remembered.

Fast forward, I choose to forgive (and I can’t forget) and have to deal so many unnecessary stuff in my life out of a sudden – embracing your existence in my life. Sometimes I ask, did I forgive him or “I forgive myself”. I do not know.

Somehow or rather you decided that my confrontation ain’t harsh enough that you decide to take this inch closer. I ask myself – did I do the right thing by just talking to you nicely and even to the extend to forge a friendship.

Yet, some love all that attention and thrill, so be it. You can do anything but there is always a bottom line. My children is my bottom line yet you went beyond that. And I hope one day, you can look back at what you did.

To be honest, I’m tired of answering to people if I am fine. Because its obvious I am not.

Many things happened over the past few months and I had realised that nothing matters to me other than life and death moments.

And I just want to tell people out there who are nursing the heartbreak (s), you are not alone. I am here with you.

We shall not let ourselves down and put ourselves down. Live for the better, keep the chin up and we will create miracles and tons of success.

Afterall,

The people who mind, don’t matter and the people who matter, don’t mind

UPDATE (20 Sept)

So apparently, one decide to drop a comment and did not mask their IP address.

On another note, I did not blame you but the one who decided to harass my close kins and I can tell you I will never want/ love to put myself into this situation, FYI.

In this whole situation, I can only blame myself for all these. If only I have done better.

Remember, do not lose your cool and you can control your reactions to people.

Text me if you want to speak since you already have my number.

Healing, Heartbreaks

Insignificant

I guessed time won’t heal, it’s more of who will be getting more insignificant as the days go by. I had this terrible feelings within me that talking to my friends can’t heal. Sometimes I wonder if I’m able to express myself. The wound is still fresh and I seriously hate the word “circuit breaker” and I’m pushing my limits to make my reactions smaller.

I totally believe in the word, KARMA and I starting to hate women who are out there, breaking people/ families apart. But, I hate cheaters more now.

I sometimes asked and doubted myself – what and where had gone wrong?

Chanced upon this post via Facebook and I’m stroke.

老婆再漂亮,謝和炫還是出軌了;

老婆再能幹,阿翔還是出軌了;

老婆再忠貞,許志安還是出軌了;

老婆再賢惠,林丹還是出軌了

看這些名人大明星全出軌了……

所以說,男人出軌真的跟女人壓根一點兒關係都沒有,他想出軌,肯定就會出軌,誰也攔不住。

所以女人一定要好好愛自己 ,與其整天擔心男人出軌,不如好好裝扮自己,愛護自己~

讓自己足夠漂亮足夠有魅力足夠優秀,他有出軌的魄力,妳就有換他的實力……😎😎

Healing, Heartbreaks

Sorry becos.

Because “you” got caught.

I wonder if I didn’t manage to find out, will you still be committing the mistake over and over again? You told me you are about to confess, ya right.

I guess you will still repeat the same shit mistake because it was a month of your stupidity and the times that you did me wrong cross the quota of the year, or maybe this lifetime.

More than 10 times, more than 1 pax.

Speechless.

This is bad. I’m getting triggered with all negativity. Even A don’t do shits to me. Why would you? On another note, I’m getting better with all the CSI skill sets and credits go to you. In this lifetime, these girls will always be the thorns in my heart.

Healing, Heartbreaks, Reflections

Passé

2 months passed and sometimes I do not know if I had indeed forgave or… I guessed time will heal and my reactions to it will get smaller and smaller towards it.

The constant flashback still remains vivid in my memory. At times I wonder, when will this ends. I genuinely hope that every female in this world would have the heart not to break any relationship/ family especially when kids are involved. No, wait, perhaps everyone should learnt that they should never cheat.

Never, cheat.

My buds, A and Big A told me that I should just moved on from all these nonsense afterall, if I can forgive for such audacious mistake, in near future, the limit bar would had been raised.

Feeling lost, confused and etc should not be a good reason to cheat. THERE SHOULD BE NO REASONS NO EXCUSES TO CHEAT (duh!).

Anyway I read, if one cheat and he returned to the 1st relationship, it could only meant, there were some fears that one chose not to be open about it.

Because of this, I am bias to a certain degree towards the co, towards a certain race, a certain type and a certain group of peeps. Good gracious, may time healed my bias.

I too, asked myself, what’s the basis of forgiveness and why did I choose to accept? There were too much irony in my actions too.

Went for a celebration on 9 August (it was supposed to be the anni) but there is a part of me knew that the date do not make sense to me anymore. Nothing made sense. There is no longer trust in me although I had to use extreme methods to make myself feel better.

Such hurt, such fear.

Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Healing

To be real honest, the constant flashback is a torture even till today, there is still this unspoken hurt lurking in the amosphere. A legit time bomb.

The fear of looking through the cellphone and see “that-type” videos in the gallery or in the deleted folders or accidentally chanced upon some flirtatious text messages pains me every single moment.

I can forgive but I cannot forget. Sometimes I wonder how can I ever move on from all these nonsense. Perhaps, time can and will heal. I asked myself if there are any ways to heal better.

Initially, I thought… Moving on together with the girls involved as a collective partnership would heal but every single conversation that the girls shared, details of the explicit acts triggered the sleepless nights. Yes, being kind to others, I ended up hurting myself.

Even BFFs shared that I should NOT have forged such an unique relationship with them. Because its just weird. Boundaries need to be drawn, clearly. Furthermore they are the ones who had stepped in without knowing much details and ruined the whole relationship/ family. This is the time I ponder about karma and wonder how would I react if my daughters are on the same end as the girls. What would I do?

Who’s to be blamed? The guy? The girls? Me? I started to question and doubt not just myself but my own capability to build things, my businesses, my reputation, my family, everything else except I failed in my own marriage/ relationship.

I kind of realised that the best way to heal is to approach the fear in me instead of avoiding it. Confidence will always outwin assholes and anyone else hands down.

To deal with the girls, to approach them, to understand the truth, to fix this info within me. To bring up this topic at every possible moment to HIM despite every single flashbacks.

Because one day, the reactions will get smaller and smaller and one day, I will be able to move on from all these, including HIM.

Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Younger

Life is full of irony. When I’m younger, I was constantly hoping to grow up fast. However when I’m older. I just want to wish upon the stars that I can turn back time, to 3 months ago or 3 years back.

I wonder if I can travel back in time, what would I tell my younger self in my 17/ 18/ 19 years old?

Perhaps I would need to set some time to rethink about life.

In the meantime, just continue to hassle.


I decided to come back to this post as I couldn’t have spend any seconds longer alone.

I thought about the hurt since 29 May and its still vividly present in my brain and heart till this moment. I seriously hope that I can forgive more and forget more too.

If I can ever tell my younger self back then I would have said the followings 10 stuffs.

  1. Follow your heart and chase your dreams. Being young is an advantage.
  2. Stand up for what’s right and stay firmed in your principles.
  3. Self love and care is important.
  4. Take photos with people who matter because one day all would be memories.
  5. Just keep a group of close friends near your side will do. True friends are hard to come by.
  6. Learn to forgive and have a bigger heart. Life is all about life and death. Nothing else matters. Learn to move on from the wrong person and do not waste your time on it.
  7. Have a savings plan. Don’t build card debts.
  8. Travel because it will definitely open up your horizons.
  9. Make efforts to spend time with family and your love ones.
  10. Take a break whenever you feel like because breaks tend to be a sacre commodity as we aged.
Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Reflections

Singapore is moving towards Phase 2 after months from the announcement of Circuit Breaker.

This Circuit Breaker taught me alot. From facing the utmost challenge of having my heart broken and shattered into million pieces to picking myself up. It was never an easy feat and I never thought these 6 months would had changed me drastically.

The thoughts had taunted me till this very moment and will continue to do so till I had officially healed and hopefully from this, I will come out stronger and better as an individual, entrepreneur, mother, daughter and a sister.

I will try my best and give my best shot. Words are cheap and indeed, actions speak louder. As we moved onto Phase 2, we must remember not to be complacent and take things for granted. Self control and discipline are important across all aspects of life.

Till date, do take good care. ❤️💋

Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Broken

We started well with conversations and a heart to heart talk then my instincts tell me it was not right. You were snappy, even more snappier than before.

I checked your handphone for the first time ever. I saw a video in the deleted folder. The placement picture had you but with a foreign face. I prayed. I prayed that it wasn’t what I think it is.

I trembled as I played the video, it was in a familiar setting. 1 minute plus. My heart shattered.

I asked. You denied. Asked again, you denied again. The videos, the texts, the pictures and everything else.

Conversations were deleted, exactly on how would I have done it 2 years+ back. Do not try to negotiate nor influence because I had walked the path once.

Crumbled into darkness how I wished upon an instant death.

I confronted with the video. You admitted.

That moment, I crushed.

I calmly recollected myself and confronted the people who I think it’s necessary.

Till date, I doesn’t seems to find my closure but a constant flashback.


Sounds familiar on the above? I can relate. However I would choose to relate this better.

Story: The Corn Field

A student asks a teacher: What is love?


The teacher said: in order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the field, go through first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders . May be there is a bigger one later? Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person.

The student asked: What is marriage then?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. this is marriage.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.


There is no excuses or reasons for you to stray. The wound is raw and it will never be the same. Things that used to be special were no longer special. I don’t do a buy 1 get 10 free.

The best had yet to come when I realised it wasn’t only one. It was a more than. Could I have ran out of both hands to count?

Nice. Well-played. Did you ever thought about the kids? No, I don’t think so.

I read about all these. I realised it’s all about being selfish. I been there once, years back and realised people changed. And it was because if they love you enough, they won’t hurt you.

Perhaps, you don’t. Furthermore, you live by your quote – Actions speaks louder than words.


I self doubt myself. Even A, J, L and BFF told me that I don’t need to self blame but I constantly ask myself what could I’ve done better?

Update: I deleted the folder that the evidences I had collated. Perhaps, it’s time to self love myself more and let go.

The day I had found back myself, would the day I locked up this post.

Till date.