Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants


We started well with conversations and a heart to heart talk then my instincts tell me it was not right. You were snappy, even more snappier than before.

I checked your handphone for the first time ever. I saw a video in the deleted folder. The placement picture had you but with a foreign face. I prayed. I prayed that it wasn’t what I think it is.

I trembled as I played the video, it was in a familiar setting. 1 minute plus. My heart shattered.

I asked. You denied. Asked again, you denied again. The videos, the texts, the pictures and everything else.

Conversations were deleted, exactly on how would I have done it 2 years+ back. Do not try to negotiate nor influence because I had walked the path once.

Crumbled into darkness how I wished upon an instant death.

I confronted with the video. You admitted.

That moment, I crushed.

I calmly recollected myself and confronted the people who I think it’s necessary.

Till date, I doesn’t seems to find my closure but a constant flashback.

Sounds familiar on the above? I can relate. However I would choose to relate this better.

Story: The Corn Field

A student asks a teacher: What is love?

The teacher said: in order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the field, go through first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders . May be there is a bigger one later? Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person.

The student asked: What is marriage then?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. this is marriage.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

There is no excuses or reasons for you to stray. The wound is raw and it will never be the same. Things that used to be special were no longer special. I don’t do a buy 1 get 10 free.

The best had yet to come when I realised it wasn’t only one. It was a more than. Could I have ran out of both hands to count?

Nice. Well-played. Did you ever thought about the kids? No, I don’t think so.

I read about all these. I realised it’s all about being selfish. I been there once, years back and realised people changed. And it was because if they love you enough, they won’t hurt you.

Perhaps, you don’t. Furthermore, you live by your quote – Actions speaks louder than words.

I self doubt myself. Even A, J, L and BFF told me that I don’t need to self blame but I constantly ask myself what could I’ve done better?

Update: I deleted the folder that the evidences I had collated. Perhaps, it’s time to self love myself more and let go.

The day I had found back myself, would the day I locked up this post.

Till date.

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