I guess it’s always a fine line in between everything. And best, overthink leads to depression.
As an over-comer (if there is ever such a word) of depression, I guessed when I became inactive at work, depression started to kick in. What a workaholic life — which brings me to the next point.
Why did I choose this path? 2017/ 2018 is a bad year of bad decision making.
- Preggo and no one wants to hire and get stuck in a situation where I can’t seems to figure it out and stuck in the deep shit with all the relevant agencies.
- Why did I choose to be preggo when I had already kind of restart my life – with the kids all grown up and ready – I need to restart my life in terms of fine tuning to the lifestyle. I need another 7 years to be ready as I need the youngest one to get into a Primary School.
- Because of Pointer <1>, I speculate that I need to return to the workforce soon enough and again, I guess I will not have ample time to bond with my kid(s)/ recover from the post par tum and once again, my body will be screwed up due to all these. Correction – it’s already screwed up.
- Pregnancy/ Motherhood seems to be enjoyable from others POV but all I feel that I am suffering – to take care of all the bills, fret over life and etc, all alone.
I need to tell myself, stop thinking for others because no one will think for you. And for the kids, I will pick $ over anything else.
This is my main motive in life and indeed harsh fact of life that I had to choose a career that $ is more important than my own passion. What a joke.
Why can I find someone dependable when I’m at my lowest.
Why is everyone after motive? Why can’t I find someone who shares the same mentality – sometimes it’s better than to give than to receive. No expectations, nothing.
Penning these down to remind myself in near future. Perseverance will get me somewhere one day.
Countdown to see my baby, wipe out my savings 也是值得 (f_ _k the bills) and the depression.
August 2018 – 我会一切从头开始.