Life, Parenthood

Hard Truths

The shit is getting real. I’m feeling tired every single day and teary. I had alot of unjust within me. Instead of bottling up, I decide to pen this note now.

My body is fucked up. Yet, I do not want to spend a single cents in getting in up and running after my delivery. Why? Because I rather spend the extra $ on the kids. Bringing the kids up like a single mum takes alot of courage and tons of financial planning especially no one is helping. Don’t believe, go google the childcare/ educations/ meal costs. Actually no need, just walk down the milk powders/ baby diapers aisle in supermarket and you will be shocked for the rest of your life.

For myself and this upcoming delivery, I paid almost everyhing. From visiting gynae, jabs and etc, sometimes I ask myself, why ah? Why am I in this shit? Total investment till date stand stills at SGD 14k as of today date. Blame it on my lousy body.

And my post-birth, I cut down on confinement food/ nanny and everything else. You think I don’t want to engage meh? But I rather have all the $ saved up and please tolong tolong just let me have my kid out safe ok?

I wonder, why did I put myself through this? Finally get out of the shits after 6 years and focusing on something else but everything seems to go haywired since last year.

Bad choices I guess or perhaps bad luck.

My bad luck influenced my circles of close friends. Sometimes I can’t help it to see people around me in the same shits. And I wonder, can’t I just find a guy who can provide for me, willingly? Am I not good enough for anyone? Sometimes I wonder why didn’t I pick a rich guy in the first place, at least I have one item off my list that I do not need to fret about and I can lead a lone life despite being married.

Alot of people said, “just divorce lor“. Saying it is easier than to be done. 13 years of together-ness, the family knows him and he’s the father of the kids. How can one say leave, jiu leave leh? Housing how? Kids how? You think very easy is it? Try doing it yourself lor. It takes alot of time/ efforts/ courage and etc to get things moving. And I had been through the downest point of my life with no help. Doesn’t meant I need to do this as part of a revenge – to leave at one downest?

过来人会知道我在讲什么。

Job wise, is as fucked up. No one will employed a pregger and the Management of ex-company really suck to the max. Can’t do a shit change to my career with this situation. Anyway, karma will hit them one day and I speculate that its coming soon for them. The only good thing, I can only pray that MSF will be nice to me and direct reimburse me my maternity benefits to lessen the burden in near future. Infantcare cost 1.8K before subsidy or the cheapest one at 1.5K WTF.

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On a positive note, I really look up to my mum. She had a broken leg right now but she still cares for me. We had a H2H talk and she shared with me on her experience as  a mother. She told me, god let me go through all these to let me understand hardship and perhaps mould me into a stronger person and DO YOU KNOW…

I am not alone. My mum went through the same shit that I did. Not on the husband part, my dad really works hard for the family but to cut costs and save up for better days, my mother did her own confinement ON HER OWN for the birth of my sister back in 1993 and at the same time, care for my brother and I.

She told me about some experiences that I really think I am quite fortunate now with all her help in terms of physical, emotional and financial* support. *She bought me tonic and stuff and forever gives me angbao for no reasons? -_-

Goodness. I wonder why men don’t bother with all these?

Quote from BFF – “Cannot 自动 abit? Must tell you guys to buy than buy? Might as well, we do ourselves? Always take it for granted.” >>> That I always ask myself, why ah?

Back to my mum; I ask her how she managed; she says “like that lor.” Semo sai answer but she did share that:

  1. She cooked her own confinement food.
  2. Bathe for the baby with the help of my 二伯母 once awhile but majority she did it on her own, with the open wound.
  3. My maternal grandma will popby as and when she can to check on her (See, the power of mother’s love).
  4. During rainy days, she had to carry my baby sister in a sling and walk my brother and I to school, which is 15 minutes away from home, during her confinement. >>> I almost died when I hear this within me. 世上只有妈妈好。
  5. Despite doing the confinement thing alone, on her own, she’s real disciplined about it. Really no aircon, no shower, drank only red dates long gan tea, ate alot of sesame oil, ginger and D.O.M and the traditional stuff which I doubt I can traditionally follow.

Off the records, my dad did not enter the delivery ward with my mum and he did not witness any one of our birth on an immediate note because he was slogging his life away. >>> If my another half did this to me, I think he don’t need to come back liao.

The only good thing about my dad, he pays for everything. I meant, “OF COURSE RIGHT. My mum is a SAHM.” Good genes run in the family because my “elder” brother (who is 1 year my junior) is a total replica of him.

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Penning the above for my memory sake and also to remind myself, a strong woman will always breed strong lady with character. Somemore my mum give birth to all of us via natural birth, without the shit epidural. *Clap clap* If my mum can do the above, with a better environment that I am in right now and with her support, I can make it man.

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Countdown to the day where Sayge is gonna be here. I gonna pray that everything went smoothly because my limits for everything had been stretched.

I hope she is an easy baby to take care of and hopefully to restart my life on my own. Insert reminders by BFF as and when so that I will constantly not fall into traps anymore.

“爱情不能当面包吃。”

Cheers to a better life in coming future and hopefully my life will change for the better and NOT FOR THE WORST.

Reminder again, I need no man in my life. Thank you for all the pain that men bring along, to me.

SIDENOTE: THE ABOVE ARE PENNED IN MY EXACT THROUGHTS/ EMOTIONS. There is nothing to be ashamed about and if you have negative comments, I suggest that you f off immediately. I take no bullshits. I will be nice if you are nice. 🙂

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