Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Healing

To be real honest, the constant flashback is a torture even till today, there is still this unspoken hurt lurking in the amosphere. A legit time bomb.

The fear of looking through the cellphone and see “that-type” videos in the gallery or in the deleted folders or accidentally chanced upon some flirtatious text messages pains me every single moment.

I can forgive but I cannot forget. Sometimes I wonder how can I ever move on from all these nonsense. Perhaps, time can and will heal. I asked myself if there are any ways to heal better.

Initially, I thought… Moving on together with the girls involved as a collective partnership would heal but every single conversation that the girls shared, details of the explicit acts triggered the sleepless nights. Yes, being kind to others, I ended up hurting myself.

Even BFFs shared that I should NOT have forged such an unique relationship with them. Because its just weird. Boundaries need to be drawn, clearly. Furthermore they are the ones who had stepped in without knowing much details and ruined the whole relationship/ family. This is the time I ponder about karma and wonder how would I react if my daughters are on the same end as the girls. What would I do?

Who’s to be blamed? The guy? The girls? Me? I started to question and doubt not just myself but my own capability to build things, my businesses, my reputation, my family, everything else except I failed in my own marriage/ relationship.

I kind of realised that the best way to heal is to approach the fear in me instead of avoiding it. Confidence will always outwin assholes and anyone else hands down.

To deal with the girls, to approach them, to understand the truth, to fix this info within me. To bring up this topic at every possible moment to HIM despite every single flashbacks.

Because one day, the reactions will get smaller and smaller and one day, I will be able to move on from all these, including HIM.

Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Younger

Life is full of irony. When I’m younger, I was constantly hoping to grow up fast. However when I’m older. I just want to wish upon the stars that I can turn back time, to 3 months ago or 3 years back.

I wonder if I can travel back in time, what would I tell my younger self in my 17/ 18/ 19 years old?

Perhaps I would need to set some time to rethink about life.

In the meantime, just continue to hassle.


I decided to come back to this post as I couldn’t have spend any seconds longer alone.

I thought about the hurt since 29 May and its still vividly present in my brain and heart till this moment. I seriously hope that I can forgive more and forget more too.

If I can ever tell my younger self back then I would have said the followings 10 stuffs.

  1. Follow your heart and chase your dreams. Being young is an advantage.
  2. Stand up for what’s right and stay firmed in your principles.
  3. Self love and care is important.
  4. Take photos with people who matter because one day all would be memories.
  5. Just keep a group of close friends near your side will do. True friends are hard to come by.
  6. Learn to forgive and have a bigger heart. Life is all about life and death. Nothing else matters. Learn to move on from the wrong person and do not waste your time on it.
  7. Have a savings plan. Don’t build card debts.
  8. Travel because it will definitely open up your horizons.
  9. Make efforts to spend time with family and your love ones.
  10. Take a break whenever you feel like because breaks tend to be a sacre commodity as we aged.
Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Reflections

Singapore is moving towards Phase 2 after months from the announcement of Circuit Breaker.

This Circuit Breaker taught me alot. From facing the utmost challenge of having my heart broken and shattered into million pieces to picking myself up. It was never an easy feat and I never thought these 6 months would had changed me drastically.

The thoughts had taunted me till this very moment and will continue to do so till I had officially healed and hopefully from this, I will come out stronger and better as an individual, entrepreneur, mother, daughter and a sister.

I will try my best and give my best shot. Words are cheap and indeed, actions speak louder. As we moved onto Phase 2, we must remember not to be complacent and take things for granted. Self control and discipline are important across all aspects of life.

Till date, do take good care. ❤️💋

Healing, Heartbreaks, Rants

Broken

We started well with conversations and a heart to heart talk then my instincts tell me it was not right. You were snappy, even more snappier than before.

I checked your handphone for the first time ever. I saw a video in the deleted folder. The placement picture had you but with a foreign face. I prayed. I prayed that it wasn’t what I think it is.

I trembled as I played the video, it was in a familiar setting. 1 minute plus. My heart shattered.

I asked. You denied. Asked again, you denied again. The videos, the texts, the pictures and everything else.

Conversations were deleted, exactly on how would I have done it 2 years+ back. Do not try to negotiate nor influence because I had walked the path once.

Crumbled into darkness how I wished upon an instant death.

I confronted with the video. You admitted.

That moment, I crushed.

I calmly recollected myself and confronted the people who I think it’s necessary.

Till date, I doesn’t seems to find my closure but a constant flashback.


Sounds familiar on the above? I can relate. However I would choose to relate this better.

Story: The Corn Field

A student asks a teacher: What is love?


The teacher said: in order to answer your question, go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the field, go through first row, he saw one big paddy, but he wonders . May be there is a bigger one later? Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field, he start to realize that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted. So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, this is love… you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person.

The student asked: What is marriage then?

The teacher said: In order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick.

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfied, and came back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, this time you bring back a corn…. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get…. this is marriage.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.


There is no excuses or reasons for you to stray. The wound is raw and it will never be the same. Things that used to be special were no longer special. I don’t do a buy 1 get 10 free.

The best had yet to come when I realised it wasn’t only one. It was a more than. Could I have ran out of both hands to count?

Nice. Well-played. Did you ever thought about the kids? No, I don’t think so.

I read about all these. I realised it’s all about being selfish. I been there once, years back and realised people changed. And it was because if they love you enough, they won’t hurt you.

Perhaps, you don’t. Furthermore, you live by your quote – Actions speaks louder than words.


I self doubt myself. Even A, J, L and BFF told me that I don’t need to self blame but I constantly ask myself what could I’ve done better?

Update: I deleted the folder that the evidences I had collated. Perhaps, it’s time to self love myself more and let go.

The day I had found back myself, would the day I locked up this post.

Till date.

Rants, Really Rayray

#ReallyRayRay

Ok fine. I’ve officially stepped out of my comfort zone and get Ray Ray to try out the media pathway and this is my daughter’s channel. I did this because I want them to know that for the things that they want, they need to fight for it if it’s worthy and things are always not as easy as they think it is.

Part of growing up I guess. Please support! 🙂

RRR
Really Rayray

📷 INSTAhttps://www.instagram.com/thereallyrayray

🎥 YOUTUBEhttps://bit.ly/reallyrayray

🎥 TIKTOK: https://www.tiktok.com/@reallyrayray


Some fun facts:

  1. My siblings helped to vote her a yes to go-ahead and approved on her venture into the media space.
  2. The initial name was Really Real Rayshirl given by my sister-in-law but in the end, I decide to remove the Real and part of Rayshirl real name (some part of me still want to try my best to embrace privacy). So I use her nickname “Rayray” instead.
  3. Even my close friends voted a “Yes” for her to explore the pathway because all of them felt the need to let them go through this process.

And why did I oppose to it (initially):

  1. I realised the unseen dangers of the Cyberworld. It could be Cyberbully or some dangerous Paedo lurking around.
  2. I embraced privacy especially the girls.
  3. If Cyberbullying happened, I’m not sure with the age and stage of mental capability, can the girls handle the stress and etc.
Rants

Circuit Breaker Day 09 to 12

15 to 18 April 2020.

As much as I wanted to blog about my #CB days but I realised how I embrace my privacy to a certain degree. Thus will not be posting much about the kids’ picture so that they will not be harmed by anyone be it with intention or without. 🙂


Life as a SAWM (Stay Home Working Mum) is getting busier as the day past.

On the business side, something had kept me going and that’s this.

stepsofsuccesssuccessistofailfirstandlearnTo Start!

I can do it and I will.